purpose-waking eyes

I am sure that most of you have heard the story already, either through email or other means. I did have quite a serious reaction today. It was quite scary even but I am writing to describe its meaning in a greater and spiritual way.

Here it is on a silver platter.

Life was hard from the beginning and such; this summer was totally amazing life changing beyond any concept or comprehension. I got back from camp and it turns out God is amazing everywhere and perhaps even more so when it is entirely personal and in the safety of your own home. Then I struggled, mostly with lust. My heart that had be so touched and changed had suddenly faded away.

Any how, living without that beautiful taste of God's love and living with the ever flowing feeling of being alone and separated from God was unbearable and as it is said the very definition of hell is separation from; eternal. Well what about what seems forever but maybe temporary? Could there then be a living hell!!!? After I had tasted the one and true GOD. I couldn't bear to live without that love. As I fell into old habits and lost my true heart; I found myself in living hell. However it only got worse and worse; that brings me today.

I have been living a separated life; everything seems to go wrong and nothing can be explained or put into words. I will do my best. I felt like I was in hell. Being separated from the very thing every ounce,every molecule and every cell in your body wants to have, and treasure: Gods love. When all your heart wants, all you want is something you feel you can't have; that's living hell.

I crave that same love that I once experienced again, but I can never seem to find it, nor hold onto it. This craving would not dig me out of this hole and depression. This point brings me to the place where I will explain my title.

purpose-waking eyes. I mean I guess I tried to fancy it up so it doesn't make the same amount of sense as lets say a different title like the "purpose in wake up calls". However it means the same to me.

God knew that I wasn't crawling out myself and He knew that I wouldn't come crying. This was a huge eye opener. God woke me from my _____ should I say flatlining state.

When I was in my mothers van driving down the street God had something else in mind. Interesting enough though some may think this is psycho; it needed to happen. Cause in that van, in that ambulance, in that hospital. I cried for my life. Not literally crying but on the way to the hospital I didn't want to ask God to help; I didn't deserve it and I didn't want to use Him. Then I also thought, lets drop the pride. So I did and so I just made it known that He was in control that I needed help. A certain peace about dying came over me. I definitely felt death was a possiblity. My head stopped spinning at that point. The fear left. The danger did not but fear was worse. Regardless. Throughout this day God drew me closer and brought me a wonderful nurse. She was so amazing. I loved her, she GAVE ME A HUG!!!! And dinosaur stickers. It rocked. But He showed me that He can take things into His own hands. He gave me a good wake up call concerning His power and love. Many times I asked Him to rescue me, today He did.