the battle inside

How to defy all odds and claim defeat on the battle inside.

If this is an actual question I don't know. It's, well. Yes, yes it is a question. I don't know what to flipping do. That's right. I don't. I will explain what's up in just a sec. First I am just going to stress the I guess hopelessness. I mean. I am not sure if I have mentioned it as of yet but here it is.

"The way I am living makes me feel completely separated from God. I feel like hell. Hell is total and eternal separation. For now, I am living in a temporary hell on earth."

This is a somewhat direct quote from a book. Though some else said it, I am living it right along with them.

I have written all to many blogs such as this one. I hate doing it. I will tell you why.

Reasons:

Reaction. I hate people's reaction. I mean it is good to get support. I just hate however how I just feel not only like I am whining but I just hate it. It could possibly that it feels like pitty but I mean it just seems all to real and all to reoccuring. This doesn't mean I don't want support but the feeling still exists.

That is the huge reason.

What I would truely like from this is not only change on my own part but I would like God to comfort me in an uncontrollable and pyscho type fashion. To feel an erisistable state of love. Reassurance.

I hate received this many times I guess. However I still need more. I am such a typical human. It is retarded. I mean to express something before I go into any details at all. I went to a retreat this weekend. Now think about this. What normally happens when you head to a retreat? At least some change or "high". I mean I am not saying I am looking for a "high" but you think something would happen eh? Heck no! I even played on the worship team. I mean after that I went to my room and then it felt like worship but you know what. Everything is too screwed up. How can I worship one minute and die the next!

The story.

The story is...the numbness. I'm not talking about regular numbness like perhaps you are having a very bad time and you feel numb to God and life. I am talking numb as in like regular numbness but TIMES a MILLION! Other than that - as if there could be more??? For dang sure. All regular-regular for me problems. Just personal issues. Yeah, everything is just crap. Hell should I say. That's about all I can say. I mean I don't know what else I can do to explain without rambling feelings that make no sense. So there it is.