all these feelings

I have all these feelings, all these feelings I don't know what to do with. I don't know where to place them and the strange thing is that I don't feel anything at all.

That was original folks. Straight from me. No song, no saying no poetics. That's straight heart and well hurt. I am upset really. I feel too much to feel. I would rather be at the point of nothing. There is a saying that I have heard; depression is anger without enthusiasm. Well perhaps that is what I feel. It isn't like normal however, things normally turn around. Whether it be because of conditions with parents, God, friends, or school. Well so many things are wrong and all I want is to hug someone. Cry too. I feel so useless it is not even funny and it feels like any glint of hope is only taken away. It always seems in times of the greatest desperation and need is the time when your alone and no one is there for you. God is. Do I feel it, no. Friends, meh. People I love..nope. Can I reach them? Nope. Alone. Isolated in a crappy way.

I can't wait till the holidays I am going to do the following:

hopefully see people that I love.
lock myself away.
read.
get slurpees.
coffee.
read.
lock myself away.
hopefully see the family that I couldn't see before in the first place.
get some flipping hugs.
love.
maybe shouts from Jesus.
passion.
freedom.

Feel so far away and ultimately impossible. That is a pretty crappy feeling. Dull and pitiful. That sounds oh to familiar. I mean it may happen a lot but I have had enough for crying out loud. Everything = junk. I don't know what to do. Everything is either too hard or non existant. Well how the heck can I help myself in a hopeless situation? God? I don't even know the answer to that anymore. I just pretty much give up for the time being.

Sudden change of direction. Throughout this evening, this blog, and a phone I am just pissed. I have gone from just anger and the thought still lingering in my mind of dying in every situation to "NO, you die!" That's what I am feeling so inclined to share with you this evening. Yup, yup.