reach for the stars bub

This evening I did homework, I did a movie..and I went to church with Craig Loewen.

We headed off to Southland in the morning around 11 o'clock. It was pretty cool I guess. When we got there we had a coffee and ran to the service. When we got there it was in very short order that a beautiful and hard message was sent to us. It was about a lot things but specifically love. The pastor named Chris stated that you need to do the following: Love yourself, your neighbour and God. I thought he was doing pretty good so far, then he started pulling out the big guns like "if you don't love yourself, how can you love others?" I was like, that's rough. I don't feel like I always love myself and sometimes I feel I do. In those times however I feel that I love people; sometimes not so much but I just thought about it. Then he also pulled this out. "Die every time" I was like: Hold the heck on here! I don't think so. Everything in my body wanted to leave and just blow through the doors with all the strength I could muster. I didn't. I wanted to. He also talked about how we are made in the image of God and that never changes no matter what we do. He said it differently but it works. The huge thing was dying everytime though I was like, I can't get over this! This is how it kinda went.

Basically Chris stated a few things about his wife. He gave examples such as: If I come in the house and track mud in and my wife yells "you jerk!" I shouldn't snap back, but die. Die again and again he said. If she snaps again then die again. Whatever it takes and as many times. He also made sure to tell us that this was not a situation that had actually occured with his wife, in fact he repeated it a few times. He said die, die, die though. I just thought "what if I don't want to?" and then I complained many a time in my mind. Squirming in the process of course.

Anyway it all continued and turned out to be: Love and death and how you need to die to love. I don't want to die when things aren't fair. I don't want to die when it is the other persons fault, I don't want to die when its not my problem or when its the other person that has to learn! I don't want to.

This is how that service went for me, so it was entirely amazing but I didn't like it. I really didn't. In fact I ignored it after I left but really it has been in my head ever since and all I see is how I need to change. It's too hard I say to myself, I say I am too tired and I have given up. Do I just need to DIE? Maybe.