Lets. No you.

Let's play a game of lost and found
Where I am lost and you will find me where I belong
In your arms you'll find me
Starving for your love

With your light come save me
From the darkness I'm hiding
Show me where to go
With your might revive me

No matter where I am all I can do is love you
I bring my heart and devote my life to you
Thank you Jesus
Thank you Jesus
Thank you for saving me

........

Heart. Hahah YES! That is right. No matter what you have to say it all comes down to HEART. Well it sounds lame perhaps??? Does it? Well screw that. Heart. Heart is Heart. I mean you know what, deep inside you know what it is whether you chose to ignore it is your own. Yes, your own. No matter how much it sounds "unpopular" DOES IT NOT MEAN EVERYTHING! I mean what does it say in His word! Like seriously. It talks about the HEART. Having a HEART like David. It is the heart that matters. If you pretend it's not good enough. It has to be real in your? HEART. That's the intro...

I'm hating where I am right now. At home. Alone, and with parents. In school. At the point where I need to be thinking about money and work. Thinking about future.

CRAP.

I don't want any of it. I DON'T WANT SCHOOL. I DON'T WANT WORK. I DON'T WANT MONEY. I DON'T WANT A PART OF SOCIETY. I DON'T WANT A PART IN THIS LIFE. I am not prepared to live by standards that are givin by "SOCIETY." I am also not ready for God. I mean I guess I never will be but I will never yield to this crap of SCHOOL IS YOUR LIFE - IT DETERMINES WHO ARE AND WHAT YOU BECOME. MONEY MEANS EVERYTHING. WORK IS LIFE. BLAH BLAH BLAH!

This is not cool. I don't want any of it. If this is the future that is in front of me I don't want it. I will move to the jungle to ESCAPE. That is right. I will escape. God can meet me there. I will be waiting.

*This is not a post filled with care for reactions or the sound of things*

Yeah to tell me this is all wrong would be a waste of breath because I know more than it sounds like I know.

This is a thought I had today.

"The first half of my life I was put last. The next half is mine, my turn to be first."

That is right. No matter how much you or I don't like it. That is how I feel. In a certain point of reference.

I mean self-pitty heck yes. I don't want pitty but I don't know what I want. It's like there is this irreversable screw up that can obviously not be reversed. UNREVERSABLE Shit. I am irreversably screwed up as they say in the movies. I mean if it ain't peer pressure, if it isn't lust..if it isn't parents, school or whatever else there IS A BRAND NEW thing to screw it all up. Will life every be right? Will life every be simple? Will it ever be easy? NO. Will it ever work???! NO. Will anything ever work? In anyway shape or form?????? NO. It is all useless and totally unlogical. None of it makes sense none of it will work nothing is ABLE. It is all impossible and always will be. There I said it. Do I feel better? No. How could I. I mean I am too flippin screwed to be able function. All I want is to RUN AWAY AND HIDE. FROM EVERYONE!

I will never be able to look at someone in the face again. I need out. NOW. What's funny is there is no where to GO!!!! NO ESCAPE BUT I HAVE TO ESCAPE. I have no choice. I need to. To stay ALIVE I need to leave. I need OUT! It's like I am stuck in a cage and a little kid is poking me with a stick and then that leads the kid to light the cage on FIRE. I am burning alive and it hurts more than anything and the fire cannot be put out.

*Don't even try to help. It is useless.*

You can and might pray. It is going to take a miracle. No person can help.

Seems like we might as well feed the flame.