bleed the dream

As I walk in your ways
The days ahead are not the same as any other day
My head is always playing games
Won’t you rescue me
Won’t you rescue me

There’s a war going on inside
Surely I can’t endure being shot from every side
I really want to run and hide
Won’t you rescue me
Won’t you rescue me

My heart is broken
And the waves are raging on
How can I live this life
Lord I give you this song
You are the lifter of my head
Protector of my heart
Redeemer and friend
You are my security
Your everything I need
You are my lord
You are my lord

As I walk in your ways
The day ahead are not the same as any other day
My head is always playing games
Won’t you rescue me
Won’t you rescue me

There’s a war going on inside
Surely I can’t endure being shot from every side
I really want to run and hide
Won’t you rescue me
Won’t you rescue me

My heart is broken
And the waves are raging on
How can I live this life
Lord I give you this song
You are the lifter of my head
Protector of my heart
Redeemer and friend
You are my security
Your everything I need
You are my lord
You are my lord

Many times I have seen and heard this song and I just totally felt it. I mean it's like if I could ever write a song straight from the heart that's what it would sound like. This song means so much to me and SO amazing.

separate-

It always seems that the day after is the day of confusion. It is like you don't want to be broken yet you do and then you are. Then you don't know what to do and you don't want to follow through on what ever it is you were challenged to do.

That as an intro will bring many thoughts to your mind I assume. Or maybe just one. That it's always harder than you thought it was.

Have you ever been in a deserted place? Have you ever felt totally alone? Have you ever been in a place that makes no sense yet makes almost complete sense? Have you ever been in an uncontrollable place? An environment that is so uncomfortable that you don't feel comfortable with yourself? That everything you have had or believed seems so small compared to everything else? Where whatever you are presently experiencing seems so undefeatable? Where nothing makes sense and is completely out of control and out of anyones reach?

It feels like I have even surpassed this I have gone so far yet all the while I am still right here. The kind of place where it's not only uselessness and hopelessness that controls you but what could have been or what could be but can't be found. Where nothing is explainable or soluble. A place where nothing exists but the past and what has happened and what you had. Yet you only see the future and its darkness. A place so thick that you cannot see light or any potential for it in any possible future that you may be able to grasp. And though you see this and know this and you believe that there is help at times. The help cannot help you. The help that could possibly be sought for would be a help that you don't long for a help which you may resent and despise.

A feeling of unimagineable significance that cannot be fulfilled. A need that cannot be taken or fed. Such emptiness. An emptiness that needs filling but the attempt to fill it would cause chaos, would cause immeasurable problems or discontentment.

Fear. A fear of change? I am not sure. It is possible. A fear of finding something you don't want to find? That is also another possibility. Fear of finding help that is not help at all? Yes, a fear of being in a place where I have help, unwanted help and coming seemingly closer to something that means so much that it couldn't possbily be lost again. Rejection, is not so evident, embarassment is. A feeling of insignificance or demise. Demeaning of self. A stooped level. A measured worth. A measured problem...a problem that is unable to fix, or is only possibly fixed by certain measures or techniques that seem unfit or unwanted.

What is this all summed up to? Being lost? Is it more? Can there be more? Is there a further place then lost? Is forgotten that next step? Forgotten by whom? By what? Or is it just plain hurt? More? Is it past? Is it future? Is it present? What is it possibly? Is there a place preferred to this? Any place.

A place of sorrow and shadows of unclear proportions and circumstances. A place of battered and the abused. A place no one should be, a place no one can bare to be. What does this lead to? Could it ever turn around? Could it ever be good again? What does this leave me? Where does it leave me? Disconnected and unable? Forgotten and alone? Not by men but God? Does He ever forget or forsake? How low does it go? How far can I continue? How can it change? How can it get better? How can I find that place; that place of refuge..