backwards as compared to?

you make oceans from the rain

Is it not love that we all search for? No matter how unstable? Well maybe not. I just need to say a few things. I want to tell you guys something. I want to spit in the devils flippin FACE! Yes that's what I will do. I have said many things, felt many things. I seem to be all over. And really, I am. Here it is. I don't care who sees it. You guys need to know. Not only that but to some of you this is a secret and I need it blown wide open. Number one I think most of you know about the parental situation-separation/divorce and all. Then you probably know that I hate school. I struggle spiritually in many ways I am sure you know that as well. My heart hurts all the time. Maybe not such a big surprise. This may be. Though I have made somewhat little or sketchy hints. I have had to deal with an addiction to pornography. Does this change who I am or could or will be? Well I like to think as a friend of mine said: Make me stronger in the end. I believe it. I think with what I have gone through. When I surface in a great and significant relationship with God I will only be stronger. However it needs to be defeated once and for all. I'm not saying that everyday I can't stop or however you want to see it. I'm saying no matter what the quantity it is wrong and KILLS. It is a drug an addicition. Kills the same as cocane or meth or anything. Differently perhaps. It has killed me in my relationship with God. In daily life. In heart. And as a man. I mean we may always have our own secrets however this one I feel inclined to share. It's you that always has to her about my depressing state and I figure that you should know why. I am telling you now that porn is not the only reason. It causes problems obviously. HUGE ONES! I will tell you the overall issue. I tasted God this summer. Really tasted Him. For the first real and true time. I had never tasted Him that way. I came back and things got even more amazing. Which also never happened before. I had God all to myself for 10 days after camp. Then things got rough. I'm not sure what all happened. However what happens and the just is, family issues. That destroyed something. Then lust came in and soon I had lost everything. My heart had been taken from me. That connection to God BROKEN! Well tell me what's hell the pornographic pictures or the separation between you and God that is caused by it!!!! Separation from the one thing my heart desired is what killed me. Caused by my own selfishness and destructive behavior as well as much temptation. The devil doesn't deserve credit you know why? It was my choice. My weakness. I don't want him to think anything of himself. I lost the single love of my life. That is the most important thing in here. That is why I died. Think about it literally. You lose your wife. A wife that you love more than anything. An indescribable love! Think bigger. Bigger than that. I lost that. That's hell. There may be more. However I don't know if there is a lot to say at the same time. Some of you may be fairly concentrated on what I've done. I understand. This doesn't change what's going on. Nor does it change what is about to happen. Hell is going to get a shock from heaven as I walk back down the path I strayed off of! Hell will burn and HEAVEN will conquer!! Gods love will prevail. He will win His prize. Me.