the stuff

loneliness.

God feels so hard. I don't know what to do. I need help. Help me, help me. I need comfort. I need fixing. When I want Him. Then everything hurts. I'm sick and tired of what seems to be a viscious cycle. I need something more. Something stable. Listen. I need to be rescued. I am insignificant without Him. I cannot even find Him on my own! I just can't do anything. I am here. He's there. He comes. I stay. Nothing can ever work. I love the bride idea. We are His bride. I also love the idea from the book Wild At Heart. He states about the beauty to be rescued. Well as the bride that'd be us. In this case me specifically. Rescue call. Right here! How can you ever be on the same page as God???? How can a relationship ever work? I mean we are to human! I am to human. I cannot handle the capacity of God. I know that every question I have has an answer. Many of those answers are in the Bible and many of them I know. However, it just doesn't work. It doesn't answer it with something you can feel or see. It's insane. Like Jesus loves you! So flippin broad. Or do not lay on your own understanding. Well thanks. I will just sit here and be a pawn and die. That's what it all feels like and I know there is an answer for that one too. A pretty good one. I know it. Though I know it in my head, my heart doesn't know it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My heart is screaming and my face is unexpressional. I mean all I could and want to do is cry my flippin eyes out as I'm held in someones arms. I cannot last any longer. Call it depression. Call it whatever you flippin want to. I don't care. Depression its spiritual. Don't say no because I KNOW. I have been through it! All the shit is spiritual. Its all heart. Its not body body body like they all say. Sheesh. And that makes me hate pills. You think God wants us to all be on pills and that He has no control. I know this is all wrong but it just isn't. Crap it all! What can you do when your heart aches so bad that it feels it's going to explode!!!! Like what? I have no idea. I am so sad, terrified. I can't do heart. My heart is filled. Filled with hurt. So much hurt. Here's a line.

Caroline let me whip away your tears and give you life, make feel you feel beautiful again. Well. Maybe if we switch it all around and be like Jesus saying this to me. Shaun let me whip away your tears and give you life, I'll make you feel beautiful again. DANGIT! I need some. Maybe not as poetic but boy would it reach my heart. Sheesh.

Brand new man. ending....