don't we all long to be loved
So again, here it is. I am right here, right now. Right there is Jesus loving on me. My mind is else where. *Stupid mind* My mind wants the love and in fact knows that it is getting lots of lovin. Why is it not there??? I don't get it, well perhaps I do. I just want so much all the time. Forever. Yelling it out right now, Jesus loves you A LOT and he loves you that much all the time, everyday and forever. That's cool. Well where is he? As we all know it is not Jesus lacking in the lovin situation. It is I. I hate that. I hate that I hold back the beautifulness of a relationship with God that could always be so much more if I could just cooperate. I feel paralyzed. I want to walk again. Walk on water. So I am just trying to give you some main points to work with here: a lot, everyday, forever, cooperate, paralyzed, walk again, water..walking on water. That is how that goes. So lost and unloved. Feel that?? I hope that I can relate to someone. I...I don't know. I want a 24/7 Jesus, which he is but I want to be a 24/7 child. I want to spend every waking moment with him, but I don't feel I can do that if I am in school or going to be working. I want to sit, read and talk. I have a heart for the people he has made, but its just like, he dudes find him on your own. I want him. I feel greedy but it feels like I can't have him to myself..not meaning that others can't have him but just that I can't have him all the time by myself. Like ahhhhh! And seeing as how I don't feel I can have what I want. I don't feel I can be greedy for God, I don't try enough, I don't allow my greediness to take over like it should...it makes me quite sad to think about it. I don't want to eat, I don't want my own life. I want the beach and Jesus. That's all I FEEL! For crying out loud! I could just get angry. Maybe it is just a thing about two hands, which do you pick. I mean if it was my choice I would pick the beach and Jesus. Maybe the two choices are behind his back and so I pick the one that says: help his people and love them and show them they are special. Maybe there is only one choice and I get the beach when I die. But if that's the case I don't want to live on this earth. Sincerely. I just realized, my heart is aching. I don't like that. That's another thing about blogging. I find things that I can't see normally, which is one of the reasons I do blog. Sometimes it sucks though. True feelings aren't always fun times. I don't want school. I don't want work. I don't want to live in an appartment. I want to live in Jesus' arms. *That calls for BOLD* That's what I have to say. I kind of have a feeling that I may just sit in a field and live in a village with savage people, and love them and Jesus and be happy right there even till the day I die. That sounds good too. That or the beach thing. So tell me what you are all thinking in some comments. Boy do I need them. I need some serious help right about now. Pray, call and talk to me, whatever it takes. I love you. Be loved by Jesus and love him back.
2 comments:
wow, yeah. I can somewhat relate to some of the things you mentioned. Sometimes when I go to bible study and I see people during praise and worship and they look like they are gone... and I stand and wonder what they are feeling. I think...am I feeling what they are? or am I just passionless. Sometimes it just feels like I can't feel any deeper then what I currently feel. Sometimes I try my hardest and consentrate madly on trying to fidn Jesus in my pressence... most cases I can't find it... or it seems I can't find it... only because I have no idea what it feels like. Yeah sure I most often get shivers... but is that my sign? or is there something that I can feel phsyically deeper? Like when I'm singing sometimes it feels like I'm not quite doing enough then saying the words. Like some songs hit me more then others... like some songs make me smile and shiver and jsut make me feel so much more...and others well... they just make me feel like I'm singing but not actually singing... if that makes any sence at all.
So there you have it Shaunie... I posted! :)
Shaun,
It is a tough wrestle that you write about! Call us anytime to process!
It is a good thing to long and desire for the presence of the Lord. It is good to long for more! Go after it! Use that longing and groaning to go further!
It can be hard to find Jesus while you are busy with school, friends, etc. Ask Him to reveal himself to you throughout the day. Find yourself stopping for a minute throughout the day and realigning yourself to Him. That can sure change your focus, I've found!
I love you! Keep pursuing him!
Kristi
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