lifeless

I am here, only to be alone forever. I don't think that there's another place for me. Though I wish there was a beach awaiting, I may know different. My heart however will never. I must deceive myself for life, I will never accomplish my one longing desire. If there is too be one desire that I don't want to neglect, personally that would be it. So there is this beach, with sun. It's glistening off the water; the water is smooth but defined and it is just beautiful outside. A slight breeze but still warm enough to be wearing a t-shirt. There are trees behind me and big mountanous hills on either side. Sometimes the greatest esape is not being able to escape. It is my paradise. I am sitting there at the top of the beach. I am playing my waldon guitar and there is not a single other place that I would like to be. Not a one. It is just like the most intense and beautiful worship. On those sandy beaches, that is where I long to spend eternity. I want to become a true man there, dicovering all that I am in those bushes and rocky hills. In those seas, that is where I long to be. It almost gets me sad to think about it. I don't know if I will ever see it before I die. I wish that's where I could be right now. This is my heart people. On the other hand...is this selfish? I will tell you why I think it may be. It may perhaps be selfish, because it is just God and I. I mean it is me, then God comes along..kind of like the garden of eden except I'm by myself. So what I want is; well everyone else can have God. I want my beach and my guitar and my sun, sand, glistening waters and my woods and mountains. I want it all to myself. I want God all to myself. I want it to be easier. I feel if I were just in this place that I could live forever and not depend on anyone other then God and that I would be perfectly content. It feels like nothing can match that place. Nothing..I mean it's like I am nothing without it. I have no place to go but there, but I don't know where it is or if it exists. So it is beautiful and it is where I want to be and my motives could either be selfish or perhaps greedy in a good sense. My despair however I believe is not so good. Although I believe that God has given me this desire, because he longs for this kind of relationship with me. That kind of one on one and that's why it isn't your wife that comes first, or family or friends. It's that flipping beautiful beach.