self destruction

I don't know what to write. I am a little mad. I am sick of how society forms my life. I am sick of how everything is set up. I am sick of going to school I am sick of being a kid and not knowing myself, which is retarded seeing as how I am I. I am sick of how I control my own life. I wish good things could happen. Why do we have to go through all this crap. I am tired of it all. I mean it's just like, yeah God is beautiful. Look at my life, does it really matter how beautiful God is when this or this is happening. Does it really matter when life isn't good enough to live for. I am sick and tired. This blog is a statement of my rage and emotion.

I know that many of you may feel sorry, or will try to help or maybe you will give me advice or tell me that you are praying for me. I am telling you thank you and that I need prayer. I am also telling you that it feels that life has no hope. What is there to live for if life is an absolute negative. I don't mean a few bad situations I don't mean things that suck. I mean shit day after day. I am just tired.

God, where are you?! Serious. Does God want us to have crappy lives? No. Obviously not. Well I would like to see the obvious. Yeah sounds like I am angry at God, but I don't know who else to be angry at. I would like God to show me what the point of my life is. I would like to know that not everyday is going to be so crappy. I would like to know that there is hope. I would like to know that life isn't a rollercoaster. Yeah I know there is stuff that we have to face that we won't want to. But where's the flippin break! Let me breathe for once!

How am I supposed to live for God when all that I experience is crap, endless crap. I mean yeah there are reasons. It's me, it's the devil, it's sin. All that jazz. I am sick of taking all the responsiblity because I'm not strong enough. Who else will? Well I am feeling sorry for myself and I am just making things worse...just find God in it. He is right there. Those could be intelligent and logical responses to what I am feeling. I will tell you something. I want something else, something more. Yeah God has shown up before. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF I'M FORSAKEN! If this isn't it what the heck is? Yeah I know in the bible, Job deals with all this junk and praises God. Number one I am not Job and I am not as strong as him. The next thing. Is there a point where God can bring some joy? I don't want to turn my back from God and I don't want to disgard him or deny him because I'm in a bad situation.

I don't get any of it. And I am sick of the same reasons, excuses and things that people say. I am sick of find God. God find me! I am right here! You see my heart! How does it feel? You tell me cause I don't know anymore! If this makes you cry Jesus, then why don't you help me????!!! I mean this makes me cry! What the heck, if you would care any wouldn't you do anything? I can't I just can't do anything. I need you. Please.